Horn Rules

  • Post category:Leisure & Musings
  • Reading time:5 min(s) read

FB post on horn useKathmandu traffic is an endless source of amusement!

The image you see above is about horn use I recently posted on Facebook.

The real problem, of course, is that drivers on the streets of Kathmandu know how to use only three things: their hands, their feet and their horn! They don’t learn, or is never taught, to use the most important organ in their body: their brain!!

Forget about using their head; they put their heads on the line every single day!!

So, again, I wondered, what would Jerry Seinfeld have to say on the subject of horn use? (If you don’t know, he’s already spoken about Kathmandu traffic in another post. 🙂 )

Here’s what I imagine him saying, standing up on stage, giving his monologue as he used to do at the beginning of every Seinfeld episode.

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I just came back from a visit to the land of mountains and horns! If you didn’t know…that’s Nepal for you!

I tell you, those guys know how to toot their horns!!! But I get ahead of myself….

You know how traffic rules govern traffic here in America.

Not so in Kathmandu.

They have only one traffic rule in Kathmandu. Only one! I kid you not!

And you know what that is?

It is this: there are no rules!! I repeat, there are no rules!

And guess what drives traffic there?

You won’t believe this, but it’s horns!

Again, I am not kidding! Horns rule how, where and when traffic moves.

I know you think this is ridiculously funny but I kid you not!

Do you know how I know this?

I know this from the Nepalese drivers in the city.

I am not exaggerating when I say that there is an almost infinite number of situations when a horn comes into use…to drive traffic in Kathmandu…because every time I tried to keep track of them I got lost!

I tell you, apart from Mount Everest, this country will next be known for its intimate knowledge of the million and one use of a horn!

So anyway…..

We, the Americans, have given the world a lot.

Now here, my fellow Americans, is something I give you from the other side of the world…from Kathmandu, Nepal, the top ten horn rules, obviously with all due deference to David Letterman of The Late Show with David Letterman.

NO. 10.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “No sudden moves now, I am warning you, I am in your vicinity!” to the pedestrians around you.

NO. 9.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “Watch out, I am coming up from behind” to the vehicle directly in front of you!

NO. 8.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “Get the hell out of my way you stupid, old cow” to a stupid, old…cow sprawled and ruminating in the middle of the road!

NO. 7.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “I am a big machine and I am warning you: get the hell out of my way or else…” to pedestrians crossing the road along a crosswalk (zebra crossing)!

NO. 6.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “Yield, do not cross! Otherwise you’ll have hell to pay,” to pedestrians waiting on the side of a crosswalk!

NO. 5.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “Make way…get out of my way…yield you stupid deaf imbecile…I am in a hurry!” to the vehicle in front of you going along at a perfectly normal speed on a narrow, single lane street so that YOU can pass!

NO. 4.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “If I get in an accident, or cause an accident, or if I make yet another stupid move resulting in an accident, it will be your fault,” to the vehicle you are passing on the wrong side (from the left). (They drive on the left.)

NO. 3.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “I don’t have time for this, get your slow asses moving!” to the stalled traffic in front of you when you come up to a…traffic jam!

NO. 2.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “Fastest finger first you sucker! Now yield!” to other vehicles at a crossroad (junction) in combination with flashing head light(s)!

NO. 1.

Toot your horn when you want to say, “Get out of my way; can’t you see me coming?!” to the fools coming straight at you when YOU are driving down the WRONG side of the road.

 

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October 17, 2017 Update

I have bad news! The streets of Kathmandu is no longer filled with the kind of symphony it was characterized by in the past! 🙁 🙁 😉 😉

Since April 14 (New Years day, 2074 in Nepal), the Kathmandu Metropolitan Police introduced only two horn rules for when it can be used: in an “emergency” and when going around corners! The rest of the time it’s banned!

To reinforce the ban, they have placed the following signs all over the city.

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  1. mansorg

    I can confirm that Nepali traffic is an endless source of bewilderment and amusement. But I believe there are official traffic rules, it must be these: http://traffic.nepalpolice.gov.np/safety-security/traffic-slogans.html . My favourites: “A motorbike is for two, not for too many.” and “Don’t be rash, lest you crash.” and for the current context “Horn with reason.” 😀

    1. Dorje

      Hey, thanks for that!!

      That is hilarious!! I gotta write a whole blog post about that!

      Here are a few of my favourites:

      “Watch out for a child, running on road.” Sure, when running on the road, looking out for a child is not really what I do but if you say so!

      “Don’t get lost in the music in your car.” I’ll do the best I can not to!

      “Tyres should not be bald.” Are you kidding?! Of course not! Who likes bald tyres?! Everyone hates bald tyres!

      “Speed is a five letter, [sic] word & so is death.” Thanks for the insight!! 😀 😀

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